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Words my phone doesn’t know

  • dishwashing
  • schnoz
  • farty
  • dyke
  • polyamorous
  • crossdressing
  • fanfiction

My phone does know “fandom.” That’s how I found out it didn’t know “fanfiction.” That was about the point when I started typing in words to see what it didn’t know. I haven’t gotten very far with this yet, as real life keeps interrupting. Related: the only one of these words that WordPress knows is “schnoz.”

Words that aren’t fandom that my phone does know include “fatty.” Good times.

My partner says her phone didn’t know “lesbian.” My phone is from the same manufacturer, and I’m fairly sure it didn’t know “lesbian” either. I’m not confident enough in my memory of that to add it to the list, however.

In news that’s not news: there is so much auto-tune on Some Nights. Annoying. I might just delete most of it from my computer.

 

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Unsuccessful snacking in 10 overwrought steps

  1. Buy vegan key lime yogurt because they’re always out of the plain and the store and you remember you like it. It’s sweet and tart but not too much of each and tastes close enough to that one time you made a key lime pie at midnight because some of your friends, and someone’s awkwardly older boyfriend, were coming over for board games.
  2. Find a time when you think you really, really want to eat key lime yogurt.
  3. Take it out of the fridge and take off the lid.
  4. Realize you absolutely do not want this thing with a passion right now, before you’ve even got a spoon for it.
  5. Put wax paper on top and secure it with one of those rubber bands they put around the egg cartons at the grocery store.
  6. Put it back in the fridge; make it the top of a tower of miso paste, hummus, and flavored vegan cream cheese. Make sure it’s in the front so you see it every time you open the fridge, because surely you’ll want to eat it within a few days and it would be a shame if you forgot it was there.
  7. Don’t eat it, because actually you really don’t want to. Sometimes no snack is more appetizing than key lime yogurt that’s already been opened.
  8. Leave it in the fridge for an embarrassing amount of time because throwing it out means you are unsuccessful at eating flavored yogurt, which is exactly the type of thing you should be able to be successful at. It is, for example, exponentially easier than trying to get a cab downtown at 4 pm, which you count as successful as long as you get into one by 4:30 pm.
  9. Get over yourself, but only after writing a fatuous blog post about it because you ascribe arbitrary importance to being able to put something on the internet this Saturday. Also: wonder why WordPress’ built in spell checker doesn’t know the word “blog” but thinks “b log” is a good substitute.
  10. Go check the fridge to see if the yogurt is still there. It is. Throw it away, and be very careful to resist the temptation to peek under the wax paper on the way to the trash can.
 
 

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Sometimes I like expensive things

 

Two things that I like that are really just a little too pricey:

A bottle of raspberry lime spindrift seltzer

A bottle of raspberry lime spindrift seltzer

This is a terrible photo of spendrift raspberry lime seltzer. I like it because it’s not sweet, and on some of my worst days when I have no appetite and food makes me nauseated I can drink this and it will help. I buy it at the Whole Foods and try not to look at the price tag – especially if it’s on sale.

 

The second thing: I used to live in Washington, DC, and oh goodness do I miss going to Baked and Wired. I used to wake up an hour early, which was a massive accomplishment at the time, and walk past at least three coffee places to get a latte there. They weren’t always open as late as they are now, and I remember thinking I might have been setting land speed records to get there just a few minutes before closing. There were a few hazy months when I suspect I may have subsisted entirely on their coffee and food. Sometimes it was the only place where I could get work done. It would have been harder to figure out that I had a food allergy when I still lived in DC and still had the option of going there. For anyone who can go there, I highly recommend it.

 
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Posted by on 2014/05/10 in Uncategorized

 

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Food you can make while reading Twitter: Roasted vegetables

Roasted tiny red and white potatoes, radishes, carrots, and mushrooms on a sheet pan lined with brown parchment paper

Roasted tiny red and white potatoes, radishes, carrots, and mushrooms on a sheet pan lined with brown parchment paper

One of the best parts about cooking for me is that it helps with the depression. This is easier said than done, though – depression makes it harder for me to do things, and cooking is definitely doing a thing. The more depressed I am, the harder it is for me to go to the store, think of meal ideas, actually prepare a meal, get myself to eat it, etc. So I have a mental grab bag of meals that are easy to make, include at least two things from the produce section of the store, and make a difference re the depression.

The thing I love about roasting vegetables is that all I really, absolutely need is time and a few clean dishes. Although since I find that having at least a few clean dishes is generally advisable when cooking, I’ve taken that off the “Is this easy food?” checklist.

Chopping can be a problem occasionally. I like those absurdly tiny potatoes for those days, especially if I can find the purple ones. No chopping necessary. If I did not have a food allergy that precluded buying non-kosher parve processed food, I would totally buy the pre-chopped vegetables in the bins at the whole foods. While there are some pre-washed, pre-chopped vegetables that come in kosher packages, I haven’t found many. The only thing that I can think of right now is butternut squash, and that’s only kosher about half the time in my experience.

If chopping is not a problem but peeling is: mushrooms! So many mushrooms. I love them. Also, radishes. I’ve never been able to enjoy them raw but I love them in stews and roasted.

If chopping is not a problem and peeling is not a problem, I am probably making eggplant. I expect to never, ever tire of eggplant.

Two ways to feed yourself roasted vegetables and primarily spend your time reading twitter:

1. Roast vegetables. Acquire hummus – not Sabra. Combine. Eat.
2. Roast vegetables. Simultaneously, boil noodles. Acquire sauce. Combine. Eat.

For best results, leave the dishes until the morning.

 

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This month in movies I have not finished watching: The Happy Poet

Or – a guy wrote, directed, and starred in a movie, and then named it after his character. Totally a good sign, folks.

The Happy Poet was so bad I couldn’t finish it. This is remarkable for me, as I generally make it a point to watch movies until the end. If they’re bad I finish them so I can complain about and make fun of them. If they’re abominable I finish them so I can say that I did and then use the experience as a twisted sort of street cred. Generally, I only don’t finish movies that are triggering or traumatic for me, because nightmares aren’t fun and yes I am one of those people.

So, I couldn’t finish The Happy Poet. I also couldn’t re-watch the scene where I finally gave up on it – far, far too late- so that I could write about it with the exacting, cringe inducing accuracy I would prefer. Even if I could make myself re-watch that scene, I wouldn’t. I don’t think it would be healthy. I can’t remember much about it at this point. I suspect this is a coping skill in action.

However, I’m fairly certain that it included the word “fetid” in a poem that was supposed to be romantic – or that at least we were supposed to believe the character thought was romantic – and was presumably about the lady parts of the character’s unlikely love interest. This is the character who is played by the guy who is also the writer/director. I say unlikely because this was one of those movies where we are supposed to believe that a grown up woman with a real job, decent place to live, and nice clothes, and who can totally bathe and groom herself, is really interested in this creepy guy who runs a not-vegetarian food cart and who is lacking in words, affect, and personality. He is also deficient in friends who are less creepy and/or more socially functioning than he is.

But! This is not the most important thing. This is the most important, most hilariously obvious thing: it’s Getting The Ladies 101 to not use the word “fetid” about the Ladies you are trying to Get. Ever. As it turns out, I’m not one of those people who thinks there’s artistic or other value in watching a Cis Straight White Dude With More Money Than Sense think that using fetid in that way will totally work. There is more than enough Cis Straight White Dude With More Money Than Sense foolishness in my life already.

If you want to watch this movie, which I do not recommend, I do not know where you can get it, unless you live in Boston, in which case you can get it at the library.

 
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Posted by on 2014/04/26 in I am opinionated

 

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Queer to do list: Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

I have now heard someone actually say “not that there’s anything wrong with that!” in life, in reference to a man of his acquaintance occasionally dressing in clothing that is generally sold to women. I couldn’t help but overhear a group of roofers on their lunch break at the Finagle on Boylston. I could be forgetting something – very, very possible – but I can’t remember ever hearing anyone say that phrase in a serious way before. So, I’ve checked this off on my queer to do list.

 

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Life skills in action! Or, in which I do dishes.

Dishes were one of the “life skills” I had to periodically learn in high school. A couple of nights per week my brother and I had to trade off cooking and dishes. This never went particularly well. He would make things that came out of boxes and had ingredient lists longer than could be justified by the picture on the front. I would make things that were too hard for me and included ingredients that other people were resistant to, like tofu. There was always something I wanted to do more than cook dinner, especially since I knew that I had two parents who were perfectly capable of doing it themselves. I was remarkably insufferable when I wanted to be. I hated dishes more though. The pots couldn’t be soaked until after dinner, when there wasn’t really time to let them soak. It seemed like everything we ate couldn’t just be washed. It had to be scrubbed out of the pots and off the plates. There were no scratchy sponges or scrubbing sponges, and not being able to see the bottom of the sink was a horrible, terrible ordeal for my parents. Read the rest of this entry »

 
 

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